Ah yes, you. I know you. You’re single, aren’t you? Valentine’s day is a sad day for you, isn’t it? Its one day a year you truly dread. You watch happy couples walking down the street hand in hand, going out for dinner, giving each other beautiful gifts, and confessing their undying love to each other. All the pink purple red and white splashed gaily about town makes you feel sick. You wonder to yourself, why me? Why do I have to be alone on Valentine’s Day?
But you are not alone, not anymore. I have created a new holiday for single people to celebrate in place of Valentine’s Day, and so far it’s been a “smashing” success.
read on, and your life will be forever changed…
Valentine’s Day? No! February 14 is Explosion Day!
That’s right: Explosion Day. But how does explosion day work you ask? The concept is actually quite simple. Explosion Day is the one day a year dedicated to blowing things up. That’s really all there is to it. Explosion Day isn’t even limited to literal explosions. If you can crack it, burn it, throw it, chop it, crash it, smash it or otherwise destroy it, you have a succeeded at Explosion Day. Metaphorical explosions are also game. Why not try standing in a public place and screaming at the top of your lungs for a couple of minutes? Bonus points are awarded for the most elaborate and creative Explosion Day displays. WHAT there are points? Of course, but the best part is YOU award the points to yourself! Think that sledgehammer toss through that old computer monitor was awesome and totally worth 10 points? You’ve just earned yourself 10 points buddy!
Explosion Day is primarily about being awesome, so variations on the theme are always welcome. Why not throw an Explosion Day party with your friends? You could have a judge decide who has the greatest explosion, or have a large group explosion that everyone contributes to. I recommend listening to music that really pumps you up, or is specifically anti-love. Heavy metal in general is always a good choice. Remember, creativity is a huge part of the festivities so use it to its full potential!
The only rule about Explosion Day is that you cannot harm people not celebrating Explosion Day. I know that may sound like a downer but trust me, it’s for the best. You might be mad at Tom this year because he always ditches you to hang out with Miranda, but who knows where they’ll be next year? Tom might really need and appreciate the friend-binding power of Explosion Day next year.
There is a certain ecstasy to be found in destruction. This is something those lovey-dovey “couples” people won’t be able to understand. You will get stares, confused glances, and questions if you participate in our special holiday. Don’t worry, someday we can turn them around and make understand too… one explosion at a time.
So here is my challenge to you, the single people of the world: Celebrate explosion day and tell me in the comments what you did and how many points you got! Since I’m only posting this on February 14th I think we can allow Explosion Day overtime this year. So don’t worry if you blow something up next week, I still want to hear about it!
Rock on World, Rock on,
-Jordan A. Mann
PS: If you need some Explosion Day themed music to get you started I have a few suggestions (arranged by increasing heaviness):
N.I.B – Black Sabbath – The original angry, depressed, and heavy band.
I Don’t Believe in Love – Queensryche – This one is an Explosion Day classic.
You Don’t Remember, I’ll Never Forget – Yngwie Malmsteen – A little 80’s anthem metal about lost love doesn’t hurt now and again. Besides, Yngwie is the best at it.
Heartkiller – HIM – In fact this entire album is sort of anti-love, and not bad if you are into the lighter metal stuff. It’s called “Screamworks: Love in Theory & Practice” check it out.
Walk – Pantera – No explanation necessary.
Refuse/Resist – Sepultura – Seriously, no explanation necessary.