22 Things I Have Learned In 22 Years

  1. Bees  are and always will be terrifying
  2. How to poop using the toilet.
  3. Nothing comes in just one size.. NOTHING.
  4. Keeping an open mind is a good way to end up in porn.
  5. Facing problems head on makes them seem more important than they are.
  6. Death rapes everyone. You’re standing in a line of doomed people.
  7. Pizza tastes better toppings down.
  8. Memorizing one good song will get you through any argument with family.
  9. Some people are born full of shit and they will claw you eyes out before they admit they are wrong.
  10. How to hate someone
  11. Nothing is as bad as it was the first time.
  12. There is noting inspiring about the Impossible. Impossible just means nobody can fucking do it.
  13. Spiders sit in my shower because secretly, they want to die.
  14. Swearing is a good way to feel instantly better about anything.
  15. Being nice to people is the first step to having them fuck you over.
  16. Doctors will say a lot to get in your pants but it’s purely professional
  17. Retconning is the worse thing to happen to anything.
  18. A good way to test for senile parents is to have a phone conversation longer than 20 minutes and if they punch in a number twice or more during that time without checking the line it is time they go to the home.
  19. Pushing past fear is a good way to get what you want.
  20. If there is a hole in the wall in a public washroom stay away from in for the love of god stay away.
  21. Multi coloured candy machines will always give you more of the colour you hate.
  22. The more money you make the quicker you spend it.

Life Lessons that got cut

  • Rape is fun until your number is called
  • Shitty windowless white vans are not pussy magnets. More like pussy nets 😉
  • Yes Batman can do that
  • Making overly long eye contact and then looking puzzled is a good way to fuck with people.
  • Nobody expects the unexpected
  • Visuals are the best way to get a point across
  • Wet cat and dog food stick way worse then wet Cats and Dogs do.imo
  • There is never a good time for diaherra.
  • If a musician sucks live they are not worth shit.

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