I hate spam… most of the time.

At work I deal with it every day, but what’s more fun that dealing with it is reading the ones that are forever trapped in our spam filter. After reading I thought to myself, “This is hilarious, but I am pretty sure this is what he is actually trying to tell me” and it begins.

Todays letter comes from “Ali Yaradua” from where of course?

Nigeria!

“gimme ur monies”

What they are really saying/my comments will be showcased in bold:

My name is Ali Yaradua.(ppffffft, haha) My Elder brother is the President of Nigeria(he may also be royalty) but he is in the Hospital in Jeddah , Saudi Arabia(because we don’t want to use our own shitty health care) as I write you now.

I Still maintain my office in the Presidency as the Procurement Officer of MONIES. Now the president is not around (we beheaded him) and we have an acting president. (my cousin, he’s a good guy) A lot is in my hand and a lot of eyes are on me here (I am also a porn star)

I have more than $200m still available in my office unspent. (OK mostly spent, but also mostly nonexistent) I am looking for ways to move some of these monies out of Nigeria since I am not sure weather (don’t be Haitian, it floods sometimes) my brother will return back as president or not. (PRO-TIP: He wont) But in order to avoid any problem of money laundering, (our washing machine is broken) I am looking for the assistance of very good person abroad who have good and established business. (Read: You) If you have a good business and you have a very good reputation and relationship with your bank, (No bad relationships, we don’t deal with rebounds) please respond to this letter ,WE NEED YOU (If not you, some other sucker of the 30000 of these emails we sent out) But if you know that you do not have a good financial reputation with your bank ,pls ignore this proposal. (But we really don’t give a shit, coverin our bases yo.)

With all due respect, I am looking for some one who is capable of receiving a good amount of monies. (IE/ anyone) Some one who knows business (not required) and can handle the process by due process. (did you see what I did there? did you? us handlers of monies need to sound a little bit smart) Some one whose bank will not suspect with a huge amount of money. (or who will not block our fraudulent transactions)

All I need is for you to state how much your account can take either in your country or elsewhere without problem’s (GIMME YOUR MONIES) I WILL AWARD YOU A CONTRACT IN THAT AMOUNT.ISSUE YOU CERTIFIED DOCUMENTS FROM GOVERNMENT.YOU WILL BRING YOUR PROFORMA INVOICE (LOUD NOISES) and the money will be transferred to your account as if you have executed the contract. (LIKE AN INFIDEL) SIMPLE (SIMPLE!)

Pls I want you to understand what I am telling you here. (Because my broken english is partly due to google translation) I need an established person ,some one who have good reputation with the banks. (i told you this already, but repetitiveness works.) I don’t want some one whom the bank will suspect when they see big amount like $20m,$5m,$10m,$2m,$50m ,$100m (or in our case, zero funbucks) in your account.

I WILL ISSUE YOU ALL THE DOCUMENTS THAT YOUR AUTHORITIES /BANK NEEDS TO ACCEPT THE MONEY. (CAPS LOCK: CRUISE CONTROL FOR FRAUD)

PLS DON’T REPLY ME IF YOU DON’T HAVE GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BANK.THIS IS IMPORTANT. (LIKE I SAID, NO REBOUNDS, BITCHES AIN’T SHIT.)

We have limited time left for this deal to go through before I leave this office (AKA, my bathroom) .Waiting for your reply.

Best Regards, (hope you fall for it)
Ali Yaradua. (Future Convict)

I hope to one day also become a Procurement Officer of MONIES but that may never be.