Scam Emails: What they are REALLY saying: Tom Dave also wants ur monies

Here’s another I pulled out,

Starts off interestingly enough, but claims to be from Britain!

My only regret with this one is that it’s not written in the style of a cockney accent.

To the Scam!

From Mr Tom Dave, (I don’t trust anyone with two first names)

Good Day, (OH HAI!)
RE: TRANSFER OF 55.559 GBP MILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT (55.559 MILLIONS!) =====================================
I want to make a proposal of business transaction which value sum is £55.559,000 GBP (Fifty Five Million, Five Hundred and Fifty Nine Thousand British Pounds Sterling) (We tell this to you because we assume you are a complete idiot and cannot count past 10) to you, of which I believe, will be of much interest to you and also a mutual benefit for both of us. (Mostly me though, You can go to hell)

Firstly, I am Mr Tom Dave (Or T to the Dizzle as my homeboys call me), an accountant and member of Audit Committee (Audit Committee. Serious Business) of one of the Banks here in London UK, which was inaugurated by the new management of the bank formed after the acquisition of my bank. (Our bank name was Fraudulent Trust™, oddly enough not a lot of people went with us… : (   )

I contacted you based on my internal audit discovery. (I Googled randomly and found any email address) I have worked with the Bank for decades now. (If by decade you mean minutes then yes 2 minutes) I headed the Accounting Department in the bank corporate headquater in Edinburgh for years before I was called to head the Audit Committee by the new management.(Me mate George calls me up he did, e’ wuz like, OI CHARLIE? Was say we go n pocket sum coin yeah?) When I resumed duty, I discovered an account with total sum of (Fifty Five Million Five Hundred And Fifty Nine Thousand Pounds Sterling 55,559,000.00). (did you get that? DID YOU???) On a further investigation I discovered that this account belongs to  TOMMY JACOMINI (Tommy Vercetti was unavailable due to copyright claim by Rockstar North), Australian citizen living in U.S,Energy Executive, who unfortunately died in a Private Plane crash with all the members of his family on their return trip from Vacation. (THAT INCLUDES: his mom, his dad, their uncle his uncles uncle, his cousin, his half cousin, Little Jimmy, Special Tom, Aunt Flo, Rory the bastard child, Grandma Shakes (she has seizures, but we call her that cause it makes Jimmy laugh), and their little dog too!)

The Deceased a great INDUSTRALIST (JANITOR) died leaving behind a large sum of money to the tune of Fifty Five Million Five Hundred And Fifty Nine Thousand great britain Pounds Sterling {55,559,000.00 GBP} (I will NEVER stop writing verbatim the exact amount!)I contacted you because the fund will be returned to the government treasury if it remains un-claimed. (And this my friend, is where YOU come in!)

I contacted you (and 50 thousand other people/random email addresses) to recieve the fund to your account as the rightful / legal beneficiary of the fund from the deceased because the bank management have searched for the relative of the deceased and found no known relatives of the deceased to claim the fund. (Remember when I said EVERYONE DIED IN THE PLANE CRASH? Yeah, We covered our bases with that one! HAHAHA.) Please Should my proposal offend you or contradict your moral ethics, I apologize. (It won’t though. It’s MONIES!)

TOMMY JACOMINI,who dies with all the members of his family on 17 Aug 2008,(Remember they are dead. D-E-D, DEAD.) until his death was the owner of JACOMINI PROSPECTING {DIAMOND MINE [PTY] LTD}. (OH SNAP. DIAMONDS.) His company JACOMINI PROSPECTING (Don’t google it though, Trust me!) was a London based company that specialized in diamond, gold and petroleum minning in Australia, Africa and Asia.He was believed that have acquired this wealth through his secret CRUDE OIL (Caps lock oil is the best kind of oil) deals with the former IRAQI Government. (Secret deals are the best kind of deals. Saddam and Tommy were buds.)

No other person knew about this deal accept me (PLEASE ACCEPT ME!) and the top bank manager here who will use his position(To the right of me) and influence (Town Drunk) to ensure a smooth transfer(George is entirely trustworthy, AINT YA PAL? ROIGHT I AM YA LOLLYBAGGIN POOFER) of the fund to any of your nominated account. No one is allowed to receive this money accept a foreigner (Because foreigners need loving too) because the deceased who died without a written or oral WILL is a foreigner (FACT: Look it up), and only foreigners is al lowed to receive the funds to his/her account under the back up cover of repatriations of earnings and INVESTMENT SCHEME. (OR, AS WE CALL IT, A REGULAR SCHEME.)

You do not have to worry (But you should be) as all arrangments to have smooth and succesful transfer of fund to your account is already in place. (George forged a Cheque! he had to redo it a few times he has terrible handwriting.) I only want your maximum cooperation (Bend Over) to act and receive this fund in your account. You must posses the ability to start and close deal fast (ie/ the bank will catch this quick) and I also need to be assured of your capability of handling a business of this magnitude that required maximium trust and confidence. (I can practically taste the strippers and blow right now)

So send me your currect account detail so that I (Can suck the teet of FREE MONIES!) will process the transfer to your account and you must assure me of your ability to start and close deal fast.  (Again, we can’t let the bank ruin the scam! You need to let us steal from you FASTER!) this business can be conculded within 7 to 9 banking days from the day I received your safe account details for the transfer (I will actually be passed out with hookers and blow all around me)

(1) Your Bank name………………………….
(2) Your Bank address…………………..
(3) Your Account number even if it is an empty existing account is ok,………..
(4) Your Account name……………………….
(5) Swift code if any…………………………..
(6) Your full name……………………..
(7) Your full residential/office address…………. (So we can break and enter if we are in the area)
(8) Your private Tel numbers…………………… (We do phone scams too! if you fall for this you’re BOUND to fall for those too!)
(9) Your occupation………………..
(10) Your First Borns Name……………
(11) Blood Sample………………..
(12) A Wii (Can’t find that shit anywhere)…………..

(13) A small goat……………
The transfer will be done in two installments. ( 1. You give me money,  2. I go spend that shit) On receipt of your account detail for the transfer, I will apply for the transfer of 30 million GBP first. (Can’t give it ALL ya know?) I will order for the transfer of the remaining balance of 25.559 million to your account only after the proper sharing of the first transfer without any dissappointment from your side. (Read: you WILL be Disappointed)

As soon as the first 30 million GBP (Absolutely NOTHING) is transfered to your account,I will fly over to meet you up in your country (Go out drinking) to stay with you (and murder you) and wait for the transfer of the remaining balance of 25.559 million. (Ramsack your home)

On the conclussion of this transaction, you will take 35% of the total transfer sum, while 65% will be for me. (I mean, 100%, but who’s counting, right??)

As soon as I receive response from you (sucker) I will put up an annual leave to facilitate the transfer of this fund to any account of your choice. (By any account I mean mine.)

Waiting to hear from you ASAP. (As Soon as Prosecuted)

Regards, (Stealingly,)
Mr Tom Dave, (I still have two first names)

That was a nice change from the usual Nigerian Royalty mails.

If only I could speak Russian as I get a lot of those as well! possibly run it through Google translate for fun!

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